When Dave and I were first married I felt like I had a lot of bad habits... well, I still do (just by my introspective nature ... not from anything Dave said). But one of them I have really worked on. I used to be in the habit of asking Dave to do things he would have naturally done without my asking, "Please take out the trash, Will you put gas in the car, Would you change Michael's diaper...."
One day he mentioned to me how not giving him a chance to do it on his own first seemed to him to presume that otherwise he wouldn't have done them, when in truth he hoped such things could be an opportunity to quietly express his love. By not first giving him a chance to do it on his own he was afraid he took on the appearance of being a deadbeat hubby who must be told what to do. I understood him then and have always tried to give him time to be nice to me rather than instructing him on what to do.
FF 14 years. At the end of August I made a goal for myself. Something I wanted to do by the first of October. This goal would strengthen me, prepare me to receive answers I need, soften my heart and open my mind. Lofty? not really. I know where to look for help when I need it. I began my process, feeling great about it... Then! Along comes a very unsuspecting good-doer. Encouraging all within her voice to do exactly what I had set out to do, come to her for rewards (I'm guessing chocolate.)
I'm so bummed!
I've continued to work towards my goal. I feel enriched. I feel open to answers. I feel slightly annoyed that my intrinsic motivation to do the right thing might have turned into doing it for extrinsic motivation aka: chocolate and a pat on the back.
I've decided I'm not going to tell. It is my little secret that I did what I did. I might be a little fiesty! Maybe Lily comes by it naturally! I have to admit though, I feel like in not reporting what I've accomplished, I go off as looking like a slacker. Good thing I'm working hard on not caring what others think. (remember, Perfect September.)
But now I understand even better how Dave felt when I asked him to do the "right thing" when he was already doing it.
*disclaimer: I'm not annoyed with the good do-er. She is doing good! Her idea is so great that I had it before she did! ;) I appreciate her desire for others to do their best and be their best. Oh, and the do-gooder brought me an apple pie yesterday, she really is good! (so was the pie!)
6 years ago
7 comments:
Phew! No apple pie so I know it wasn't me! LOL.
The pie was pretty yummy tho right? ;-)
Now I want to know what it is the do-gooder told people to do, maybe it is something I need to work on. Please share, I need all the motivation for improvement I can get!
ps. I have to say that you make singing time not only enjoyable for the kids but for us teachers to... you seriously rock at your calling :)
:) I'm feeling embarrassed. I think my whole point was that I discovered I actually do like intrinsic motivation and I can see where Dave has been coming from all these years! I like to do the right thing because it is right and not for the reward of it all. (I really like pie too though!)
Tiffany, thank you! I really do love this calling. Sunday I just felt so weepy! Seeing the children sing about Christ and families just got to me. I do better being goofy, serious makes me cry. :)
This was very interesting and insightful! Intrinsic motivation is so important because that is the kind of motivation that helps people to have integrity. I often wonder how to teach my children this kind of motivation.
There is more than one lesson here for everyone. Good post.
This was a very thoughtful and insightful post, Melissa. You've been gracious in your recollection and maybe more generous than I deserve.
In retrospect I feel perhaps I was a little insecure when I first provided that feedback ... but not insecure so much in my abilities but rather I was insecure in how I have been perceived and continue to be perceived. Like my Mom said, "there is more than one lesson here fore everyone".
For me that lesson is that it seems to me now that I've been overly occupied with a selfish need to prove to others, and perhaps to myself that I'm not, say, a typical insensitive male, who has to be told even the most basic things of what to do.
I don't know why I've felt touchy in this matter ... perhaps it has largely to do with my upbringing (4 sisters, no brothers, and lots of experience witnessing bitterness over typical male behavior).
So I feel a little badly about expecting others around me to filter everything they say to pussyfoot around what now seems like a silly insecurity of mine.
Now it seems to me that I should not care how I'm perceived, but rather I should be confident in whom I am, feeling no need to prove who I am by how I act ... doing what I do only because I am who I am. And if I'm requested to do something I already planned to do my motivation should come from somewhere else other than a satisfaction that I was purely internally motivated. That, I believe, is the pinnacle of maturity ... but I'm not quite there yet and I wonder how many of us are there.
Needless to say, it's clear that we all grow and learn entirely different lessons from the same experience ... according to what we need, and in the process hopefully recognize the strengths of others while being forgiving (as you were here) of their weakness.
They say you should be equally yoked when you get married, and in that matter I was tremendously blessed with a more than equal partner. You continually inspire me to keep up with your own continued growth and new insights.
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